I'm Going Straight to Snail

Fat Dad is back after a brief hiatus to mourn the loss of the King of Pop. Since it received very little coverage in the media it may come as a shock to you that Michael Jackson has died. Information surrounding funeral arrangements, memorials and the manner of death has been kept at a minimum by Jacko's family, closest advisers and friends, who, obviously have no interest in mugging for the cameras, sitting for self-serving interviews, or otherwise turning this tragedy into a media circus. One of the few enduring images (see photo at right) to leak 0ut from the private memorial ceremony held in honor of Jackson is a photo of the Rev. Al Sharpton, clearly grief stricken, but still collected enough to comfort a female Jackson fan who also appears overcome with incredible grief. These photos were so poignant, so moving, that Fat Dad was forced to shut down the blog for a week. How could I type out my silly musings on something as insignificant as cooking when a man of the cloth like Sharpton was attempting to deal with the

the loss of the world's greatest human being and entertainer with such grace and dignity. (Based on the photo at right, also taken at the Jackson memorial, it appears that only director Spike Lee was taking Jackson's death harder than Sharpton).

After a week's hiatus, and after the limited initial reporting of the death in the seemingly disinterested news media had ended ( as far as i can tell there has been nary a mention of Jackson in weeks while the death of Walter Cronkite, a man who never wrote so much as a dirty limerick let alone cut an album the magnitude of Thriller, has caused a virtual outpouring of biography shows, news interviews, etc.) Fat Dad was collected enough to consider putting together a Jackson Memorial Menu here in the blogosphere. Imagine my dismay when I learned shortly thereafter that food had played a role in Jackson's death. The coroner who performed Jackson's autopsy has confirmed that Jackson died after suffering a severe bout of food poising. Apparently the King of Pop was fond of eating twelve year old wieners. Out of respect for Jackson's family, particular his loving father Joseph, Fat Dad immediately scrapped any plans for a Jackson themed menu. Instead Fat Dad wants to discuss something that MJ probably never ate, (unless Joseph "asked" him to): Snails.

Now I know snails are not everyone's cup of tea, and Fat Dad must admit that the first time he heard mention of eating snails he didn't immediately think, "That sounds like good eating," but today snails are one of Fat Dad's favorite food stuffs. I hadn't, quite frankly, eaten snails in a while (we don't find them on the menu much here in central Alabama), but what

got me headed down the snail trail was the magnificent creature pictured at right. I was hurrying out my back door headed to work one morning a few days ago when I encountered him slowly crawling up the door jamb, head and tail stretched to their limits. And naturally I began to wonder if he was eatable. As soon as I got to the office I ran a few Google searches and learned that I am apparently the only person in the world who has any interest in the eatability of Alabama wild snails. I did learn that Alabama is the home of numerous wild snail species and that most if not all reproduce by mating with themselves, that is, they are hermaphrodites that possess both male and female sex organs. While I was pondering why one might do anything else if you could have sex with yourself, I soon learned the answer: sometimes while mating the snail's sex organs will get stuck together, presumably a byproduct of the weird angle they have to get into to accomplish this unholy task. When this happens the snail gnaws off its male organ to free itself. Ouch! Talk about hurting the one you love. Since getting sick from eating wild snails seems about as appetizing as gnawing off my manhood, Fat Dad abandoned the idea of stewing up a batch of home grown yard slugs and instead began to wonder where he might get his hands on some reasonably reliable imported live snails raised just for eating. After a little investigation it became readily apparent that no one, not even the big boys, cooks with live snails. In his Les Halles Cookbook, the American master of authentic French cooking Anthony Bourdain writes:

"I could lie to you. I could tell you to use fresh snails, implying that we, of course, use only fresh ones at the restaurant. The truth? I don't know any restaurant, have never in twenty-eight years seen any U.S. restaurant--no matter how good or prestigious--use fresh snails. Oh, a lot of them have snail shells, but they stuff them with snails out of a can. I'm sure someone uses fresh. Somewhere. But let's face it, even if you could get fresh snails (and I would have no idea where to send you), by the time you've had a good look at the things in their living, natural glory, by the time you've dug them out of their shells for the first time...you're likely not going to want to eat them. So do as the pros do: Find the best, priciest, preferably French canned snails (thought the Taiwanese ones have been fooling the French chefs for years) and use those."

If its good enough for Tony Bourdain, its certainly good enough for me, so canned it is.

By now I am sure that those of you who have never eaten snails are wondering why in the world you should try. Is Fat Dad really suggesting you put something in your mouth that spends its life crawling around in the dirt, fornicating with itself and, by admission of one of America's best chefs and food writers is, contrary to just about every other food stuff in the world, better after its been canned rather than fresh? The answer is yes. If you are reading this blog, if you have taken time out of your day to actually think about food that you aren't at this very moment eating, then you are somewhat of a foodie, which means that you most likely eat and enjoy eating oysters. Author Elenor Clark once wrote, "If you don't love life you can't enjoy an oyster; there is a shock of freshness to it and intimations of the ages of man, some piercing intuition of the sea and all its weeds and breezes. They shiver you for a split second." In other words, the oyster is the very essence of the sea. Cold and slightly salty, the first bite, or sometimes swallow, can't help but remind of you being at the beach. Fat Dad would argue the same can be said of the lowly snail. Just as unappetizing to look at as the oyster, perhaps less so, the snail is to the land what the oyster is to the sea. It's got that fresh beets, fresh from the ground potato earthiness to it, and a pleasant meaty mouth feel that's not that far off from a steamed oyster. Just think of the snail as a land oyster and you will have little to no problem popping one in your mouth. Now that you're a convert let's get on to the food . . .

Escargots:

When I was a kid my grandfather loved to tell the following joke: A snail walked into a car dealership and asked the salesman to look at the new Nissan Z sports car. After taking it for a spin the snail agreed to buy the car as long as the salesman removed all the Z's and replaced them with S's. The salesman agreed and quickly had his mechanics make the change. As the snail pulls off in the converted Z the salesman turns to his head mechanic and says, "Look at that 'S' car go." Corny, I know, but my grandfather told me that joke close to 30 years ago and to this day I can't eat snails without thinking of it. It may not be laugh out loud funny, but, like the dish that inspired it, it always makes me smile. Here's the traditional recipe for escargot, without question the single most popular way to prepare snails, which I "borrowed" form Bourdain's Les Halles Cookbook

ingredients:

24 snails

1 shallot, thinly sliced

12

1/2 cup white wine

1 head garlic, peeled and separated

1 oz flat leaf parsley

4 oz butter

salt and pepper

12 slices of baguette

In a small saute pan, combine the snails, shallot, and white wine and bring to a simmer. Cook for 15 minutes, then drain and set the snails aside. In a food processor, combine the garlic and parsley and pulse until finely chopped. Add the butter and process until the mixture is a smooth green paste. Season with salt and pepper. Preheat your broiler. Line a clean saute pan with the baguette slices. Spread tops of baguettes with green butter and heat under broiler just until butter melts. When the butter is liquefied, add the snails. As soon as the butter is sizzling, remove from heat and serve immediately.

Caracoles:

If you are feeling a little adventurous you can step out a bit and try this traditional Spanish preparation for snails.

ingredients:

24 snails

2 Tbs olive oil

1 onion, chopped

1 bell pepper, seeded and finely chopped

3 tomatoes, finely chopped and seeded

2 Tbs all purpose flour

pinch of paprika

1 bay leaf

5 oz dry cured ham, diced

2 cloves of garlic, finely chopped

5 sprigs of fresh parsley, chopped

1 hard cooked egg, chopped

salt and pepper

Drain canned snails and set aside. Heat oil in pan and add onion and bell pepper. Cook over low heat stirring occasionally, for about 10 minutes, until onion begins to brown. Add the tomato and cook, stirring occasionally, about 10 minutes more. Sprinkle flour over mixture and stir in, then remove pan from heat, and season with paprika to taste. Stir in sufficient water to make a fairly thick sauce. Add bay leaf. Season with salt and pepper to taste. Stir in the ham, then add the garlic and parsley. Pour sauce into the pan with the snails and heat through. Remove from heat and add chopped hard cooked egg.

I hope that those of you who are snail virgins will be inspired by this week's post to try something new. Jonathan Swift is credited with saying "He was a bold man who first eat an oyster." The same is certainly true of the first courageous bastard who plopped a common garden slug in his mouth. And just think, even if you hate it, it's got to be better than gnawing off your own sex organs. Oh, that reminds me: RIP Jacko.

Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Hangovers

On July 7 as Fat Dad attempted for the 3rd day in a row to pull himself out from under the haze of a well celebrated 4th of July that involved multiple helpings of beer shandys, Dorito laced grilled chicken nachos and too much sun for his pasty mid-summer complexion I came across an interesting article in The New York Times that reminded me both of a whopper of a hangover from the past and the joy I had in eating my way through it. In Frank Bruni's "Crust is a Canvas for Pizza's New Wave" Bruni discussed in detail the current love affair many of America's best chefs are having with pizza. What caught my eye, and what transported me back immediately to the aforementioned hangover, was Bruni's comments on the current activities of Philadelphia based restaurateur Stephen Starr. According to Bruni, Starr "has lately spent much of his time in New York eating his way through the city's older and newer pizza parlors, on a gut busting mission to figure out what works best and how to replicate it in Philadelphia . . ." For those of you who are not familiar with Starr he has spent the last 15 years building a restaurant empire in Philadelphia that includes such stellar places as Morimoto, Barclay Prime, Alma De Cuba and the like. What reminded me of the hangover, though, is one of Starr's lessor known concept restaurants, Jones.

Several years ago Skinny Mom and Fat Dad agreed to meet two of our closest friends in Phillie for a weekend of gourmet eating and binge drinking. These friends, Yoga Dad and Yoga Mom, had been begging us for months to come up to Phillie to hang out. Now, Fat Dad has long been familiar with the Phillie Cheessteak Sandwich, and perhaps this should have been reason enough for him to go traipsing up North, but for some reason Fat Dad did not consider Phillie a food city. He just didn't. When you think about high end dining in the U.S. you think San Fran, NYC, Chicago, Vegas, and to a lesser degree Washington, D.C., Atlanta, GA, Seattle and Miami. But not Phillie. Man was I wrong. Philadelphia turned out to be a hidden gem that, within the year following our visit, was being tauted by everyone from Anthony Bourdain to Saveur Magazine as a real mecca for those who love to eat. In fact, it wasn't long after our visit that Food & Wine, Bon Appetite and Gourmet magazines collectively declared that Vetri, Mark Vetri's flagship Italian restaurant in Philadelphia's Center City, was the best Italian restaurant in the country. Hell, even Mario Batali, famous for his many Italian themed eateries in New York City, declared that Vetri was the best Italian restaurant on the East Coast. But I digress, back to Jones and the hangover. . .

Yoga Dad and Yoga Mom spent 4 days wining and dining Skinny Mom and I all over Philadelphia. We ate high-end (Starr's Morimoto, home to Iron Chef Japan Masaharu Morimoto), and low-end (Geno's Steaks and Pat's King of Steaks, the two dueling Cheesesteak purveyors who have been located across the street from each other since 1966), and everything in between. And with everything we ate, I mean everything, we drank. Beer, wine, martinis, Scotch, vodka, shots -- you name it we drank it. And as is often the result when binge eating and binge drinking collide we suffered some serious hangovers. Fortunately, like all great food cities Phillie had a number of places that just seemed built for the specific purpose of nursing one's hangover, including Jones and a lessor known Cuban spot named Mixto. Jones and Mixto both possess the number one prerequisite to being considered a great place to recover from alcohol poisoning--they are dark and heavily air conditioned. While you could sit near a window and enjoy a sunny Philadelphia morning, if that's your thing, my disheveled crew sat in a booth, windows closed and basked in the cool darkness at both Jones and Mixto.

Jones, which has the relaxed feel of the Brady Bunch's family room with its stone columns and dark wood booths (see picture at right), had a menu that could best be described as eclectic comfort food. On the menu we found down-home dishes like Baked Macaroni and Cheese, Beef Brisket, Deviled Eggs, Meatloaf and Mashed Potatoes, a Thanksgiving Turkey Dinner with all the Trimmings, Monkey Bread, Chocolate Chip Waffles and even a bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats. Fat Dad immediately ordered a round of water for the table, a cup of coffee and an order of Monkey Bread, a delightful mix of cinnamon sugar covered dough balls, clinging together as if by magic in a huge pile that must have been invented for the very purpose of soaking up leftover alcohol. This was followed by a mushroom and cheddar omelet with tater tots and Ducan Hines Chocolate Layer Cake with a glass of ice cold milk for dessert (that's right, Fat Dad eats dessert at breakfast). By the time Fat Dad drained the last sip of milk from its frosted mug he was feeling half human again and ready to visit the Liberty Bell. The rest of my crew seemed equally improved.

The following day the Phillie four once again awoke with a collective hangover of epic proportions and so we set out in search of hangover grub. This time we wound our way over to Antique Row and poured ourselves into the first table we encountered, eager to eat away the pain. On the menu at Mixto we found an offering of all sorts of Latin and Caribbean inspired fair, and it wasn't long before we were shoveling a heady mix of shredded beef in tomato sauce with onions and peppers, Colombian chorizo sausages, black beans, arepas (corn meal patties), and scrambled eggs into our dehydrated mouths. The waite staff was also kind enough not to stare at me when, despite being seated inside in a particularly dark area of the restaurant, Fat Dad elected to eat his breakfast while wearing sunglasses. My belly full and the color beginning to return to my face Fat Dad suggested we head off to view the Liberty Bell. When, after some heated discussion, it was determined we had already seen the Liberty Bell, we decided to simply wander the streets aimlessly until we crossed paths with something of some historic significance. And so went my one trip to Philadelphia. Fat Dad loves the City of Brotherly Love, and that weekend, Fat Dad can say with some confidence, it certainly felt like it loved me. Now on to the food . . .

Monkey Bread:

Why this is called Monkey Bread is any one's guess. Perhaps its because Fat Dad acted like a monkey's ass more than once during his late night drinking frenzy in Phillie and this was his tasty reward. Or, maybe its because the recipe is so easy a monkey could make it, which is a good thing if you're going to tackle cooking when your head is pounding like a bass drum.

ingredients:

1/2 cup sugar
1 tsp cinnamon
2 cans refrigerator biscuits
3/4 cups butter, melted
1 cup brown sugar

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. In a large resealable Ziploc bag mix sugar and cinnamon until well blended. Separate biscuits and cut each one into quarters. Place cut up biscuits in Ziploc bag and shake vigorously to coat. Spray bunt pan liberally with Pam ( if you don't have a bunt pan you could use a loaf pan instead). Arrange coated biscuit balls in even layers in the bunt pan. Mix melted butter with brown sugar and pour over biscuits balls. Bake 25-35 minutes until outside is nice and crisp and biscuits are just cooked through. Let cool 15 minutes then invert Monkey Bread onto plate. Eat by pulling off individual biscuit balls and popping in mouth. Make sure to make the occasional "Hoo-Hoo, Ha-Ha" monkey sound with appropriate hand gestures, if headache allows.

Leftover Mixto-inspired Corn Frittata:

After Fat Dad's Latin flavored 4th of July grillfest he had plenty of leftovers lingering in the fridge. A quick, squinty-eyed survey (man those refrigerator lights sure seemed bright) revealed Fat Dad had the following items available for whipping up breakfast: 4 grilled corn on the cob, a Ziplock bag half-filled with shredded pepper jack cheese, fresh cilantro, half a dozen taco sized flour tortillas, a mixed bag of chopped, grilled red and white onion, and eggs. So, Fat Dad mixed them all together and, viola, hangover helper.

ingredients:



4 large eggs
1 cup corn kernels, cut from about 2 ears of corn
1/2 cup or more shredded pepper jack cheese
2 Tbs chopped fresh cilantro
2 small flour tortillas cut into small wedges
1 Tbs oil
1 cup chopped onions (red, white, yellow or a mix, just use whatever you have on hand)

Beat eggs in large bowl to blend. Mix in corn, cheese, cilantro and tortilla wedges. Preheat broiler. In a medium oven proof skillet heat oil and then saute onions until they just begin to brown. Pour egg mixture into skillet and stir to blend. Cover skillet and cook just until eggs are set, 8-10 minutes. Remove cover and place under broiler until top is set and beginning to brown in spots. Slide frittata onto plate, cut into wedges and serve. Fat Dad decided to wash this all down with some leftover Sangria that had been steeping in the fridge all night and had taken on a dark burgundy hue and the flavor of over sweetened grape Kool-Aid. It was just enough of the hair of the dog to get Fat Dad back in the game.

While it ain't curing cancer, a good hangover cure can be worth its weight in gold. I hope the above recipes help get your juices flowing again after a long night of self abuse. Of course, if you truly fear the hangover you could just stop drinking all together. But like the late great Frank Sinatra was fond of saying, "I feel sorry for people who don't drink, because when they wake up in the morning that's the best their gonna feel for the rest of the day."

Damn the Mosquitoes, Full Speed Ahead!!

With the 4th of July rapidly approaching I am sure your thoughts like those of the Fat Dad are turning evermore to backyard grilling. For many the 4th is yet another excuse to pull out the well worn Weber, fire up a chimney full of briquettes, flip burgers and dogs and oggle the neighbor's well toned trophy wife. Other grill guys make a big batch of their famous slow smoked ribs, dripping with sweet and savory sauces that are as good soaked up with white bread and poured into a pan of baked beans as they are on the ribs themselves. But Fat Dad is looking for something different. Sure burgers, dogs and ribs are among the staples that have made this once mortal male into the Fat Dad he is today, but innovation is what makes this country great, and it is innovation we should honor on Independence Day (I will however bow to tradition when it comes to oggling the neighbors well toned trophy wife). To that end I have put together a 4th of July menu that is different than you average backyard fare, but I feel still keeps with the spirit of a good ol' fashion 4th of July backyard BBQ. The staples are all there, just slightly tweaked. But first . . . a short discussion of the backyard BBQers number one nemesis, the mosquito.

There are over 2500 species of mosquitoes worldwide and sometimes it feels like every damn one of them is in my backyard. Maybe its just me but lately it seems like the small annoying mosquito of my youth has been replaced by a hummingbird sized sucker capable of carrying off a small dog. Regardless of their size these flying blood suckers are annoying as hell, and it seems there is little you or I can do about. I paid for the house, but the mosquito owns the backyard. Talk about unfair. I didn't see his name on any of the checks Fat Dad's been stroking to the mortgage company. What purpose, aside from general annoyance, does the mosquito serve anyway? For an answer to this question Fat Dad turned to the fine folks at the American Mosquito Control Association or AMCA. According to the AMCA:

"Mosquitoes fill a variety of niches which nature provides. As such, placing a value on their existence is generally inappropriate. Although the fossil record is incomplete, they have been known from the Cretaceous Period (about 100 million years ago) in North America. Their adaptability has made them extraordinarily successful, with upwards of 2,700 species worldwide. Mosquitoes serve as food sources for a variety of organisms but are not crucial to any predator species. "

In other words the mosquito is completely useless. With that mystery solved we turn to another more important question: How can the outdoorsperson avoid the bite of this tiny bloodsucker? Again a word from the AMCA:

"If possible, schedule your activities to avoid the times when mosquitoes are most active - usually dawn and dusk. You should also dress in light, loose-fitting clothing. If you have a deck, light it using General Electric yellow "Bug Lights". These lights are not repellent, per se, but do not attract mosquitoes like other incandescent lights. Mosquitoes are relatively weak fliers, so placing a large fan on your deck can provide a low-tech solution."

Gee, Thanks AMCA. First off, I can only assume that the statement that mosquitoes are most active at dawn and dusk was supposed to say "from dawn to dusk" which is certainly the case at my house, and I have no intention of avoiding outdoor activities during all daylight hours. Second, have you ever seen a house with those freaky yellow porch lights? I take pride in my home, and I'm not all that excited about making it look like the Bates Motel. As far as dressing in light loose fitting clothing, Fat Dad routinely kicks it in the backyard sans shirt in a bathing suit, occasionally flip-flops and a baseball cap are employed (I would also note that the cap is worn bill facing forward the way God intended). This is the uniform and it shall remain the uniform. Besides, because of Fat Dad's girth nothing he owns can be considered "loose-fitting".

The AMCA having dropped the ball bigtime on this query I was loath to trust any other information they might provide. However, as might be ascertained from the above information on what supposedly works, the AMCA does seem to know what does not work at all, namely bug zappers, citronella candles and ultrasonic devices. Well what does work? For an answer to this question Fat Dad turned his back on the AMCA and did a little field testing. The result? Fat Dad's mosquito free cocktail recipe: An hour before the festivities begin fog the hell out of your backyard with no less than two cans of fogger. Fat Dad likes whatever is cheapest at the big box hardware store. Next light a few citronella candles and put them in strategic places but away from where little hands might grab at them ( Screw you AMCA, I know they work). Finally, light the grill. Mosquitoes hate smoke, so as long as your doing the grilling over live fire, which you should if you have any respect for yourself, anything that survives the fogging will hopefully be driven away. Admittedly, this solution will only buy you 5 or 6 hours at the most of mosquito free livin', but if you're doing it right you'll be too drunk to care by then anyway. Now on to the food . . .

As I said above, this 4th of July menu has all the traditional elements of your typical Independence Day backyard get together I just tweaked it a bit to put my own non-traditional slant on things.

The Snacks:

When your guests arrive the food won't be ready. Why? Because any real grill king likes to stand around sipping his beverage of choice while he pokes at the fire and generally acts like he's in charge and that he is doing something magical that you can't do. Fat Dad is no exception. So to keep the natives from getting restless Fat Dad likes to put out a few snacks to tantalize the taste buds for whats to come.

Pablono Cheese:

South of the Mason Dixon line we Southerners like to eat our fair share of pimento cheese. If you were raised or live in the South you probably have a recipe from your grandmother for making the stuff that includes jarred pimentos, processed American cheese and mayo. While there is nothing wrong with your Mawmaw's classic version I think you'll like this one even better. And if you still want to make your usual, go ahead, just try substituting roasted pablonos for the pimentos. Also, I recommend making this a few hours or even days in advance. It really is better if the flavors have some time to meld before you serve.

ingredients:

2 pablono peppers
vegetable oil
1 lb good quality sharp cheddar cheese (I use Cracker Barrel brand), grated
1/2 cup (4 oz) room temperature cream cheese
1/2 cup mayo
1 tsp of sugar
worcester sauce
hot sauce (optional)

Turn on your broiler and put your oven rack in the top position. Then slice the tops off the peppers and remove the stem. Slice the peppers lengthwise in half, discard the seeds, and if you want remove the white membranes. Place the tops and pepper halves on a baking sheet, skin side up. Press down on the peppers to flatten a bit. (They may break a little bit, no biggie) Sprinkle with vegetable oil and then rub the skin good to make sure its all thinly coated with the oil. Place under the broiler. Keep an eye on things. Depending on the heat of your broiler it might take 5 minutes it might take 15, but I promise you as soon as you turn your back those peppers will burn. Once the skin starts to bubble and is blackened in some spots remove the peppers from the oven and wrap the baking sheet in aluminum foil. Walk away.

While the peppers cool, in a mixing bowl blend the mayo and cream cheese. Add the grated cheddar and mix well. Add sugar, and a few splashes of worcester. Mix again. Back to the peppers.

Remove the foil from the baking pan. Hopefully the steam from the peppers will have loosened the skin and you can peel it right off. If not hold the peppers under running water and peel it off in pieces. Be careful the pepper is fragile and you don't want any breaking off and going down the drain. Get as much skin off as possible, its fine if some remains. Pat the peppers dry and cut into a 1/4 inch dice. Add the diced peppers to the cheese mix and stir well. Give it a taste. If heat wise its to your liking then you can season with salt and pepper to taste and your done. If its not hot enough for you add a few dashes of your favorite hot sauce. If its too hot for you you're a pansy. Put the pablono cheese in a container with a lid and refrigerate for at least a couple of hours and up to a few days. When your ready to serve you can just open the top and serve with saltines, or you can unmold the cheese onto a tray and serve with various types of fancy crackers or scoop-size Fritos or you can do what my Great Aunt Jane used to do and cut the crusts off thin white bread slices and make little sandwiches. If you have no desire to reach the epic proportions of Fat Dad you can cut some of the calories and spread the cheese into celery ribs. The cool crunch of the celery is a great contrast to the spice of the cheese. Its up to you. If you have any leftover, which you probably won't, it makes a great topping for a hamburger or hot dog, but that's for another post.

Deviled Green Eggs and Ham:

Deviled eggs are classic picnic/BBQ side dish and if your like me you have probably eaten great renditions and plenty of nasty ones. When they're good they can be great, but when they're bad, boy oh boy can they be bad. One issue I run into with deviled eggs is my wife, Skinny Mom, hates them. She hates the way they look, the way they smell, and, I'm sure if I could ever get her to eat one, she would hate the way they taste. But this dish is really sort of a quasi deviled egg that even Skinny Mom can't complain about. Instead of using the yolks, the part that gives the eggs their stink, to make the filling, we use avocados.

ingredients:

1 dozen large eggs
2 ripe avocados
2 cloves of garlic
kosher salt
1 Tbs lime juice
4 slices lean bacon

Place the eggs in a pot and cover with cold water. Bring to a boil. As soon as the water starts to boil remove from the heat and cover. Let eggs stand for 10 to 12 minutes. Drain and cool under cold water to stop the cooking. Peel, cut in half lengthwise and remove the yolks, being careful to keep the egg white shells intact. If you are a Skinny Dad who aspires to be a Fat Dad eat the yolks. If you are a Fat Dad, eat the yolks. Otherwise just discard the yolks or feed to your soon to be very gassy dog. Set the shells on a plate, cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate.

Finely chop 2 gloves of garlic. Place the garlic in a bowl and sprinkle with a good pinch of salt. Use a fork to smoosh the garlic and salt into a paste. Cut the avocados in half, remove the seed and scoop the flesh into the bowl with garlic. If you are not familiar with how to cut up an avocado, it can be tricky so take a look here first http://www.flickr.com/photos/ginatrapani/2490741425/

Use the fork to mash the avocado into a chunky guacamole, and mix well with the garlic/salt paste. Add 1 Tbs of lime juice, mix well and taste. Add salt if necessary.

Spoon guacamole into a gallon ziplock bag and force the mixture into one of the corners. Twist the portion of the bag above the guacamole to create a sort of tight triangle of guac. Cut off the tip of the filled end of the bag and use it like a pastry bag to fill the egg shells. It sounds complicated, but its easier than trying to spoon the guac into the shells, and will help prevent breakage. Once the shells are filled, cover with plastic wrap and put back in the fridge.

Cook the bacon in the microwave until crispy. (2 to 3 minutes depending on the type of bacon you use) Drain on paper towels, and then crumble. Right before you serve the eggs sprinkle with bacon crumbs. (*Note: avocados can turn brown quickly, but it doesn't really effect the flavor only the appearance. The lime juice will help keep the avocado green, but its best to make these shortly before your guests arrive so they look fresh and green. It is called "Green Eggs and Ham" not "Brownish Green Eggs and Ham")

Buttermilk Popcorn:

Now some of your guests are going to be picky eaters, especially if you have kids in attendance, and they may very well turn their noses up at green deviled eggs and pimento cheese with green peppers rather than red in it, but everybody loves popcorn. When Skinny Mom and I can find a sitter for Tiny Toddler our favorite thing to do is head off to an afternoon movie. Usually Skinny Mom picks the movie and its some cheesy affair featuring Sandra Bullock and a foppish Brit with flippy hair and a perfect smile. Fortunately, Skinny Mom knows how to keep me happy so she plies me with a ginormous bag of buttery movie popcorn. After a tub of that stuff it doesn't matter what's on the screen, only that the theater is cold enough to chill a very stuffed Fat Dad. For years I was content to eat movie popcorn just the way it came; spilling out of the bag and topped with a melty, greasey butter like substance. But lately, the fine folks at the local picture show have really stepped up their game. Now they have this little condiment counter where you can find a half dozen shakers full of various powders that range in flavor from nacho cheese to cinnamon. Skinny Mom and I like the ranch. Its tangy and salty and improves something that I had no idea could be improved upon. (I would note that the movie folks have had the foresight to chain these shakers to the condiment counter so that Fat Dad can't stuff them in Skinny Wife's purse and make a run for it. Fat Dad has of course found a way around this sophisticated security system: wire cutters. Innovation, people. Innovation.) For those of you who lack the intestinal fortitude to pack wire cutters and use your wife to shield your covert opps from movie theater personnel, this recipe makes a fine and tasty substitute. The recipe makes way more than you will need for just one serving, so just keep the rest in your fridge and sprinkle liberally any time you have popcorn. It will keep for a few months.

ingredients:

1 cup powdered buttermilk

5 1/4 Tbs garlic powder

5 1/4 Tbs onion powder

5 1/4 Tbs lemon pepper

2 3/4 Tbs dried dill

2 3/4 Tbs Kosher salt


1 bag microwave popcorn

melted butter (optional)

Mix the first six ingredients in a small bowl. Pop the popcorn. If you are using melted butter mix it with the popcorn in a large bowl till all the popcorn is well coated. Sprinkle 2 - 2 1/2 Tbs of powder mix over popcorn and stir to coat.

The Beer Shandy:

While Fat Dad explicitly makes most of his backyard BBQs BYOB, he always likes to provide at least one specialty drink to get things started and to help quench the thirst of the cheap bastards who always seem to show up empty handed. When its smoking hot outside you need something refreshing and bubbly but still manly enough to seem at home at a BBQ. The beer shandy fits the bill to a T. Simply put, a beer shandy is beer mixed with lemon-lime soda. Sounds odd I know, but when you think about how often you tuck a lime wedge into your imported Mexican brew and what a difference that splash of citrus makes it starts to make sense. Since your mixing the beer with soda a six pack goes a long way so you can afford to splurge on the good stuff. Plus, when your drinking shandys you don't' get near as full so there is still plenty of room for the food left to come.

ingredients (makes one drink):


Dark Mexican Beer such as Negro Modelo

Lemon-lime soda such as Sprite or 7-up

Limes



Using a red silo cup, fill the cup half full with ice. Fill the cup 3/4 full with beer. Top off with lemon-lime soda. Stir. Garnish with slice of lime.



The Main Course:

After your guests have had a few shandys and nibbled on The Snacks, they will be eager to see what you have planned for the main affair. This menu will not disappoint. And best of all alot of the more time consuming portions of these recipes can be prepared in advance, if you like, to free up more time for socializing and unauthorized trophy wife oggling.

BBQ Rib Pizza:

I know. I am a genius. Ribs rock. Pizza is awesome. Fat Dad combines these two tasty treats to create the best invention since the iPhone. And since these pizzas come without a a monthly service charge some might argue its even better. For ease of preparation Fat Dad has broken the recipe down into its component parts.

For the Ribs:


ingredients:

1/2 cup salt
1/4 cup pepper
1 Tbs garlic powder
1 Tbs oregano
1 Tbs celerey seed
1 Tbs paprika
1 Tbs chili powder
1 cup apple cider
2 racks baby back ribs
4-5 large chunks of hickory, soaked in a bowl of water for about an hour

Mix the first 7 ingredients (everything but the cider and ribs) in a bowl and set aside. Mix 2 Tbs of the spice mix with the apple cider and warm in a small sauce pan on the stove. Do not boil. Pat the ribs dry with paper towels then coat both sides liberally with spice mix. Wrap in aluminum foil and refridgerate while you prep the grill.

In a charcoal grill light one chimney full of briquets. When they are covered in white ash (about 20-30 minute) pour the lit coals into the bottom of your grill and divide into 2 even piles, one on each side of the grill. You want to leave a path down the middle large enough to hold a disposable aluminum pan. The space should be large enough so that when the grill rack is set in place above the coals you will have a space large enough to put the ribs so that no part of the ribs is over the coals. Place the wood chunks on top of the coals and put the grill rack in place over the coals. Put the lid on with the lid vent opened half way. Let the grill heat up for about 5 minutes. Once its good and hot place the ribs down the middle of the grill so they are not over the coals, bone side down. Put the lid back on and leave it alone for 45 minutes.

After 45 minutes remove the lid and brush the ribs liberally with the cider mixture. Put the lid back on and mop again in 30 minutes. Put the lid back on. After about another 30 minutes the ribs should be done. The meat will have shrunk back from the bone about a 1/2 inch, and you should be able to pull them apart with your hands. Remove to a cutting board to cool, brush one more time with the cider.

Once the ribs are cool enough to handle you will cut them apart. But since these are going to end up on a pizza you will want to cut them differenlty than you are used to. Instead of cutting through the meat between the bones to seperate the ribs you will want to cut through the meat as close to the bones as possible. This will give you a boneless rib. Cut each boneless rib crosswise into thirds, cover and set aside. ( The cooking of the ribs can be done the day before, but don't cut them because they could dry out. You will want to cut them shortly before you are going to use them. Also bring to room temperature before you put them on the pizza).



For the Pizza Dough:

ingredients:

2 Tbs olive oil
1 cup room temperature water
2 cups bread flour
2 tsp sugar
1 1/4 table salt
1 tsp instant yeast

Combine olive oil and water in a cup. Place flour, sugar, salt and yeast in a food processor with a dough blade and process 5-10 seconds to mix. With the machine running slowly add liquid until a sticky dough ball forms that pulls away from the sides of the processor. If a dough ball does not form add 1 tsp of flour at at time until it does. Spray a large mixing bowl with Pam and drop the dough ball in there. Press down to flatten surface and then cover bowl tightly with plastic wrap. Set in a draft free spot for 2 hours until dough has doubled in size.

*Once the dough has doubled, press down gently to deflate and turn it out onto a floured surface. Divide into 4 equal portions and gently form into balls. press the balls down to flatten, cover and allow to rest about 15-20 minutes.

Once the dough has rested roll each piece out on a lightly floured surface using a floured rolling pin into a 9 0r 10 inch circle about a 1/4 inch thick. Be careful not to roll too thin or the pizza will burn on the grill. You can stack the rolled out dough between pieces of floured parchement paper then cover with plastic wrap until ready to use.

Making and Grilling the Pizza:

ingredients:

rib pieces
pizza dough rounds
1 cup of your favorite BBQ sauce (homemade or bottled, when I'm feeling lazy I use Loose Lip Larry's Spicy BBQ sauce)
Couple dozen dill pickle slices
1/2 cup coursely grated sharp cheddar cheese
1/2 cup coursely grated mozerella cheese

Light a chimney of briquets and when a white ash has formed on all pour into the bottom of your grill. Spread into a single even layer that covers the entire bottom grate. Place the grill rack on top, open the lid vents about 1/2 way and let the grill heat up about 5 minutes. Once the grill is good and hot scrape it clean with a grill brush. Use tongs to rub the grill with a paper towel wad dippped in vegetable oil to lubricate the grill and prevent your pizza from sticking.

Mix the cheeses together well.

Working with one dough round at a time, place the dough round on a pizza peel if you have one or the back of a cookie sheet if you don't, and slide the dough round onto the grill. Watch it carefully or it will burn. When the top of the round begins to bubble check the underside. What you are looking for are grill marks, browning and a little charring. This will only take a couple of minutes. Remove from grill with tongs back to the pizza peel/cookie sheet. Flip the round over and spread with 1/4 cup sauce, 1/4 of the rib pieces, 1/4 of the pickle slices and 1/4 cup of the cheese mixture. Slide the pizza back on the grill and cook just until the cheese melts and the bottom begins to brown. Repeat with remainng 3 pizza rounds. Slice pizza and serve.

* if you don't feel like going through the hassell of making your own dough you can purchase premade dough from the bakery of your local grocery store. Sometimes its out in the refridgerated bread case, but if you don't see it just ask someone for it. If you use premade dough you can just pick up the recipe where you see the purple astric.



BBQ Chicken Nachos:


Everybody loves nachos, but I bet you've never seen anyone cook them on a grill. I borrowed a trick from a local sandwhich shop and have added Doritos to the mix along with the traditional corn chips.


ingredients:

2 quarts cold water
1/4 cup sugar
1/2 cup table salt
5 chicken thighs
1/4 cup lemon juice
1 clove garlic finely minced
1 tsp red pepper flakes
1 tsp kosher salt
1/3 cup olive oil
2 cups Doritos
2 cups corn tortilla chips
1 1/2 cups shredded Pepper Jack cheese
pickled jalapeno slices (optional)


disposable round baking sheet

In a large bowl or stock pot mix the cold water with the sugar and table salt until the sugar and salt dissolve. Add chicken. Cover and let the chicken soak for at least an hour and up to 24.

Meanwhile, place lemon juice, garlic, pepper flakes, kosher salt and olive oil in a jar with a tight fitting lid and shake vigorously to mix. Set aside.

Prepare grill. Light chimney full of briquets. When a white ash forms on all pour briquets into bottom of grill and spread in an even layer over 3/4 of the bottom of the grill. Place grill rack over coals, and cover with grill lid. Let heat 5 minutes then scrape grill to clean. Rub grill rack with paper towel wad dipped in oil. Place chicken over coals and grill until it reaches an internal temperature of 165. If the meat starts to brown too quickly slide it over to the the cool side of the grill. Keep an eye on things, the chicken can burn up quickly if you take your eye off of it for a minute.

When the chicken is cooked through remove it from the grill and place in a large bowl. Pour lemon/oil mixture over and toss to coat. Let cool. When the chicken is cool enough to handle pull it from the bone and shred. Set aside.

Pile the Doritos and tortilla chips on the disposable baking sheet and mix. Top with shredded chicken, jalepenos if using, and Pepper Jack cheese. Place baking sheet back on the grill and cover. Cook 5 minutes or until cheese is melted.

Grilled Okra:

With all that meat and cheese even Fat Dad needs some greens. Here in Montgomery we are fortunate to have a great farmer's market, and this time of year the stalls are full of fat, fresh picked okra. If you are fortunate enough to have a farmer's market near you head on down and grab some okra. For this dish the bigger pods work best, but medium size are fine too. One of the best things about this dish is that cooking the okra this way keeps them crisp and keeps them from getting slimy which is the biggest complaint most folks have about okra. This is really an okra dish for folks who don't like okra.

ingredients:

1 tsp kosher salt
1 tsp paprika
1 tsp sugar
1 1/2 tsp lemon pepper
1/4 tsp celery seed
2 Tbs melted butter
1 lb fresh okra

Keep the okra in the fridge until you are ready to coat them in the spices. Mix first 5 ingredients in a small bowl. Remove the okra from the fridge and place in a large bowl. Pour butter over okra and toss to coat. Because the okra is cold the butter will congele around them encasing each pod in a thin layer of butter. This helps the spice stick. If you use room temperature okra this will not happen. Toss the okra with the spice mix until each pod is well coated. If you have them, thread the okra on flat metal skewers. This will keep them from rolling around and falling through the grill rack. Cook the okra over a medium hot fire. ( If you just finished cooking the nachos there should be plenty of heat left to cook the okra, otherwise just build a single layer fire). Cook on each side 2-3 minutes just until grill marks start to form and the orka is black in spots. Remove from the grill, slide off the skewers into a bowl and serve immediately.

The Dessert:

Fat Dad always likes something sweet at the end of a meal. However at the end of a grill-fest like this one Fat Dad's usually way too tired and way too buzzed to be trying to put anything too fancy together. Fat Dad finds its best to prepare a make ahead dessert that can be pulled out and served with minimal effort. This one's easy and delicious and screams backyard BBQ.


Ice Cream S'more Pie:


ingredients:
2 quarts chocolate ice cream
12 chocolate covered graham crackers
1 graham cracker pie crust
1 cup marshmallow fluff
1 cup mini marshmallows

Let the ice cream soften until its easy to spread, 15-20 minutes. Fill pie crust half way with ice cream and use back of a spoon to level and smooth. Put chocolate covered graham crackers in a ziplock plastic bag and use a rolling pin or meat mallet to break into pieces. Cover chocolate ice cream with graham cracker pieces, cover and freeze 30 minutes. Take pie out of freezer and fill pie crust to top edge with remaining ice cream. Cover and freeze 30 more minutes. Take pie out of freezer and spread marshmallow fluff on top of pie, completely covering ice cream. Cover fluff with mini marshmallows. Push down gently to make sure marshmallows stick. Cover and put in freezer until ready to serve.

When you are ready to serve the pie, turn on your broiler. When its good and red hot remove the pie from the freezer and place on a cookie sheet. Put the pie under the broiler just until the marshmallows begin to brown. Remove, cut into slices and serve.

Well that's it. I hope you enjoy my twist on your traditional 4th of July BBQ. Keep in mind the recipes are just suggestions, feel free to play with them all you want. You can add whatever topping you want to the pizzas, use vanilla ice cream instead of chocolate in the S'more pie, or just plain ignore some of the recipes and make up your own. A backyard BBQ should be about relaxing with friends and family, sipping down a few adult beverages and strapping on the feed bag. Try not to stress out and over-compllicate things and you're sure to have a good time. As the great Luciano Pavarotti ( a true fat dad if there every was one) once said, "One of the very nicest things about life is the way we must regularly stop whatever it is we are doing and devote our attention to eating." Happy 4th of July and happy eating.